Coming Home

Trying to accomplish any goal is frightening. You’re nervous and people will tell you why you can’t do it. It’s strange and new and there is a serious possibility of failure. Then people will swell around you with support, or you just make the leap on your own. You go forward and try. Negativity falls away and you find yourself chasing dreams you never thought you could.

Then something happens, and you find yourself failing. Quietly your great ideas start to disappear and motivation is squandered. You stop following your diet, you don’t sign up for that class, you stop writing. Until you let it die, plagued with your shame. That failure lurks in the back of your mind. All those negative things people said thundering in your thoughts. Trying something new is frightening. Going back to try again is paralyzing. Because you did fail. Those people were right. You really couldn’t do it. Each time you try to push yourself closer to taking the leap again you find yourself further and further back. Failure looming in front of you, you quit and keep on quitting.

Dreams though, are not so easily deterred. You might have hid it in the back of your mind, buried it in excuses and shame. You thought it was dead, never coming back because it hurt so bad. It’s still there. Creeping along in the corners, whispering quietly into your thoughts. Until you find yourself toying with it again. Planning for it again. Obsessing over it again. And it’s all you can see, shadowed by the fear, shame, and guilt of your failure but refusing to leave you alone. You can’t get it out of your head. So you begin to take the leap, again.

This post is my leap. I am not a great writer. I am not a good blogger. I am not very motivated. But I can not allow myself to stop just because I couldn’t do it once. A dream is there for a reason. It’s the instinct of your soul, the reality of your purpose. Stuffing it down and hiding it only makes this life one we aren’t living. Maybe your dream is more insane than others. Maybe everyone says you can’t. None of that matters. Attack what you love, stop wasting time being afraid.

I ran away from this blog after I stopped posting. I was ashamed, and I didn’t want to post again and bring that shame to light. But I realize this blog isn’t about research and experiments for me. It’s sharing my experiences with you. It’s talking about what it really means to try to accomplish your goals. This blog is the real struggles on being motivated and what I’m doing to overcome them. And in my own personal experiences I hope you find a connection. I don’t want to feel alone in trying to do something everyone says is crazy. I don’t want anyone to feel alone in that. So I’m back. Stay tuned for all of the insane, overwhelming, I really-don’t-want-to-do-it steps to hopefully, one day, aquire my own dreams. I hope you’ll share your same with me.

Self motivation & What my Seventh Year at Hogwarts Really Taught Me

In life there are pitfall moments. Pitfall days, weeks, months, maybe even (but hopefully not) years. These moments can be made by anything. Injuries, family emergencies, Lord Voldemort, whatever. In my life, it’s usually Lord Voldemort. Oh, wait, I’m not Hermione Granger. Right. Well then, in my life it’s usually depression. Which is probably just as difficult as dealing with Lord Voldemort and all his dramatic hissing.

Now, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression. I don’t take medication for it. And most of the time I get away scotch free without dealing with it.  This doesn’t make it any less real. Being depressed is nothing like being sad. Depression is having a four hundred pound weight sitting on your chest. It’s a little monster wrapped around your heart, plucking at your arteries, making it hurt until there is a lump in your throat. It’s your brain turning into a spaceship that you have no idea how to control and you’re desperately slamming buttons until you hear “SELF-DESTRUCT IN 10..9..” Most importantly depression is not something to be taken lightly, and if you feel it overwhelming you, REACH OUT.

The reality is that it is an internal struggle that we must always overcome. Not always alone, but it is something we have to do for ourselves. Motivation and depression, to me, are closely linked together. I’m not motivated so I’m not doing anything. Not doing anything makes me depressed. Being depressed makes me not motivated. Until I spiral into a vortex of doom.

Alas! There is a solution! DANCE! Dance, sing, jump, or even – just quietly smile. In our depression, our anxiety, our injuries and family emergencies we lose track of progress. You feel like you are losing at the game of life. And, maybe, when you start to “lose” at the game of life you are like me and you throw your hands up and say SCREW IT! I DIDN’T CARE ANYWAYS! LET THE DEATHEATERS WIN! And, maybe, for a few days or weeks or months, they do.

But as the wise and powerful Dumbledore once said “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” So let us turn on our own lights. Let us dance and sing. For a moment, let’s remember all of the powerful things we do everyday. In moments of depression getting up to go to work, cooking a real meal, not spending six hours watching Netflix seems almost impossible. Today quietly smile to yourself, because you went to work, or you finally cooked a real meal, or maybe, today, you only spent four hours watching Netflix. Find your small victory and trumpet it proudly around! Grab everyone you see, shake them violently by the shoulders and scream “I FINALLY SCHEDULED MY DOCTOR APPOINTMENT!” Blast a victory song and dance wildly on your way to work because you ARE on your way to work even though you swore you would call out today.

Celebrate yourself and the moments you keep trucking on, no matter how seemingly small. Some people might think this is silly, that the small things don’t really matter. But I know that I am right, because self doubt will never get you anywhere and confidence will take you miles. Smile, dance, shake people violently. I don’t care. Just for a moment know that you did it. And in knowing you did, know that you will again.

My Worst Enemy

We all have dreams, ideas, and goals. Images we’ve painted for ourselves and others. Most importantly, expectations. Now of course once you see the word expectations on a motivational blog you must start thinking of great things. Publishing a book! Getting a great job! Learning an instrument! No. Drop those dreams for a minute, we have more important things to discuss.

Expectations we do not realize we hold on to every, single day. We expect we’ll probably be late, we aren’t usually on time. We won’t have time to fix that broken thing, we haven’t for two weeks. And I am absolutely certain that at some point today I WILL eat that unhealthy snack. I always, always do. The absolute worst expectation I carry around with me? Maybe I accomplished something today, maybe even a few days. But eventually I will break. Not a doubt in my mind, sooner than later I will fail. Does this expectation haunt you? Are you just counting down the moments until you give up?

I don’t want to give up. All I want is to be stronger. To see my dreams and once, just once, to reach them. The first step? Let go. Expectations and definitions have held my capability down like heavy chains. I didn’t realize I had made them myself. Slowly I had built what I thought was a security blanket, only to find a net and I was caught. It is time to cut my way out.

Before when I woke up in the morning I would confront myself. Am I going to get out of bed? Or will I just sleep a little bit longer? I went to sleep knowing I would have this confrontation. Then morning would come and sometimes I would get out of bed, others I would sleep. A few days ago I found the difference. In my first few days of motivation, I don’t even expect that morning routine. Contemplation isn’t involved. I wake up and I move. Not because I had the mental fortitude to work my way up, but because I didn’t cling to the expectations that I would go back to sleep. There was no second guessing.

Our worst critic is ourself. Our heaviest chains are our own doubts. We make our obstacles only when we focus on them. To find true success I first had to let go. Walk away from my own doubts and for once, not linger near them. I’m not saying shoving positivity down your throat is the best way to go. I’m simply saying that no one can succeed when all they expect is failure.

Drop the image of yourself you steadily built up. Those flaws you joke about? Quit it. Stop saying you’re always late, that you can’t make things work, that you have problems with commitment. I don’t care how lightly you mention it. That is not you. It is a wall of expectations you made and you need to knock it down. Yes, it’s hard to suddenly realize that maybe you’ve been setting yourself up for your own failure. But once you move on from that, all you have is success.

Promise Kept!

After much contemplation I decided to do the worst. I’ve posted my dance of appreciation here, in a public place. So many of you commented, shared, and liked I didn’t know where to draw the line. Special shout out to those of you who did any of those! Thanks to anyone who even looked at it. I genuinely appreciate all of your time. And to those who didn’t, well, enjoy anyways.


The Unending Internal Struggle.

   Motivation. Give me a reason to get out of bed and I’ll give you a hundred I shouldn’t. The most important – I don’t want to. Tell me how good it is for me to be active, give me all the cliches you can. I’ll pretty simply shut you down with – I don’t want to. I’ll verse off the positive affects to myself but it always ends with – I DON’T WANT TO. 

   How do I shut that off? What energy drink, healthy eating habits, exercise, motivational memes, uppity song will get me to move? Give me your secret oh wise ones of the world who GET STUFF DONE. Please. I really am starting to smell bad. 

   But they don’t have any. The reality is, it’s me. My choice, my voice. I have to find my own motivation. So this is for me and all the other motivational bingers. All of us who will have two days, maybe two weeks, of working out, eating well, paying our bills. And then letting it all landslide back into our original mess. This is for the procrastinators, couch potatoes, not-enough-money-ers. It’s a discovery into myself to be the better person i’ve been day dreaming of becoming. I know we can’t all be perfect, but I can at least be happy with myself. 

   In here I plan to be completely honest. With myself and you. I’ll admit my mistakes, acknowledge my achievements, face the excuses we all make for ourselves. Hopefully by the end of this I’ll walk away a stronger individual. A girl grown into a woman – who can really handle her own. If not, well I guess I’ll have to seek out my own success all over again. But I won’t lie, if I can’t do this, it will be much harder to face myself in the mirror. All I hope is I find my own beauty, find my own strengths, and exude them so hard that, maybe, you can’t help but to find your own too. 

  So. How do I show you I’m in the makings of becoming better? Firstly, I’m going to publish this blog. It has taken me quite literally a year to work up the courage to make a blog. Then it took me a month to write this post. And at my own satisfied completion it will still take me days to show it to my boyfriend, friend, or mom for editing. Who knows how long it will take me to actually SHARE it on my facebook where YOU will see it. I’ll go on facebook and pump myself full of inspirational memes until I can’t stop shouting “You can do it!” “Every journey starts with the first step!” “It doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you don’t stop!” And suddenly I’ll vomt this up. 

  Seriously, that doesn’t work. I think it’ll be more along the lines of someone close to me yelling at me until I do it. Making my first piece of motivational findings: find someone to yell at you until you stop sulking in your self pity. On that note, I’m going to call my mom.