There are thoughts that plague me with every step of my direction. Thoughts and real life problems and small statements people make that completely skewer my perspective. Often enough I find myself bogged with doubt. I doubt my path, I doubt whether I’m doing it the right way, I doubt if this is worth the problems I’ve made doing it. So many reasons to give up, the one reason I started to change pales next to them. To live fully, to chase after my dreams while I can. What is that in comparison to money? In comparison to comfort, approval, pride?
I feel as if I’m three months after a break up from an unhappy relationship. I ended it in a state of clarity and euphoria, breaking the chains that were holding me down, certain there was better things out there. Now here I am, alone, with not too much to show for it, thinking about how nice that security was before.
That’s life, though, isn’t it? Uncertainty, doubts, moments where you’re shaken up so hard you can’t focus on the goal ahead. I know that to live the life I want I have to actually do it. There is no “here’s your dream life” card that someone can give me and I can pass all this other nonsense. I know that I have to come back to it, again and again. Still, it is a struggle. I’m not even sure if it gets easier.
I’m writing this because motivation doesn’t always come to you in beautiful, blatant displays of fireworks. Right now I am digging out the trenches and preparing for a long battle. To survive I will have to acknowledge every step of ground I gain, I will have to maintain focus on the greater goal, I will have to carry myself through even when I’ve lost all my weapons and reinforcements aren’t coming. It sounds awful right now, when I’m feeling a little hopeless and just want someone to fix it.
Still, I have the grit to do this. I’m holding on desperately. Even when I lose it, even when I think about running back to that unhappy relationship, I come back to my senses before that “drunk call”. I come here, I write. I make my to do lists. I accomplish one small goal. I let go of the negative. I cultivate positive thoughts.
If you are feeling down trodden, exhausted, or doubtful, I understand. I’m there. You can do this though. You already have everything you need to attain your goals. Whatever you are going after it, it’s already yours. That capability already exists within you, whether you believe it or not. It has to, because if it wasn’t already existing in you, then you wouldn’t be where you are today. You wouldn’t be taking the small or large steps towards a better future. You wouldn’t be questioning the life you have.
My boyfriend and I like to go mountain biking and since he’s quite a bit faster than me, there have been moments where I’ve lost him in the woods. I come to an intersection and become panicked and worried I’m going to get completely lost. Obviously, once I find him I burst out with all this anger and frustration and the ride is ruined. Until one time as I was riding, I’d passed an intersection and I still hadn’t seen him, I started to feel the fear bubbling up inside of me. The doubt started to creep in, the anxiety and anger following close on it’s tail. When suddenly that thought became obviously ridiculous to me. I was afraid that I would be lost, but where was I even going? I was just looking to ride my bike and have a good time. It didn’t matter if I knew where I was on a map, I was riding right in that moment. It was already happening. Isn’t that how it is with everything else?
And if it’s all already there, if it’s all already happening, then I guess there isn’t any need for all of this doubt, is there? I’m already exactly where I need to be.