Motivation is elusive. It is something we have to search out again and again, until we learn to carry it with ease, and even then the simplest things in life can make us misplace it.
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Recently I’ve found my motivation to make some serious life changes, and it’s carrying me back here and to other paths I’m exhilarated for. For the first time in a while I feel as if I am actually taking control of my life. I wondered to myself, how? What changed that brought me here, from the desperately lost human I was only a year ago.
Initially I wanted to take credit for these changes, to say I came to my senses all on my own and just decided to make the Big Moves. Except when I really thought about it I knew exactly what it was that made me decide to take control of my life, and it wasn’t me at all. Someone very dear to me, whose ideals on life make me a little crazy at times, asked me what I wanted to accomplish in the next year. The question immediately resulted in an argument, obviously. My response after realizing I had no idea was to shout “well! what did you want to accomplish!” Upon which he calmly listed off all of his goals in the last few years and how he had accomplished them. I was infuriated. I made up a million excuses about how I don’t like manifesting things, because what if I’m supposed to be somewhere else in my life? I proclaimed I like to go with the flow. I said I had focused on one thing but something had messed it up (but really it just wasn’t happening). A thousand reasons poured out of me, but at the heart of it I knew that I was just upset with myself. What did I want to do? How could I seriously have no idea? Why did I let myself float around for this long? It wasn’t fun to realize I had completely lost track of my goals.
Quietly I chewed on it. What did I want to do? I thought about it every time I didn’t want to go to work, every Sunday I wished the weekends were longer. I stared at it in the quiet moments, at red lights and lunch breaks, in the shower and the mirror as I got dressed. It haunted me in my anger, my disappointment, my sulking. What did I want to do?
Eventually I found the answers to what I want. I gave myself two goals for the next year, and I know that I am completely capable of achieving them. So why didn’t I do this two years ago? How did I forget to chase after my own dreams.
Life moves fast.
And when you are trying to do something you love, it is easy to lose that inner voice that keeps you on track. It’s easy to be washed up in what other people think you should do. Especially when you don’t think you can accomplish your own goals. The only thing that brought me out of my survivalist haze was the sharp questioning of my life.
Most people don’t want to have their life choices questioned, they don’t want people to remind them that the blame is at their own feet, that they really are in control of their lives. I know I hate it. I want someone to pat me on the back for everything I do and say good job kid, you’re killing it. When really what I need is for someone to ask me, is this the right thing? It isn’t fun to have to genuinely comb through your life. I don’t want to decide whether I’ve been making the right choices for myself (especially since I haven’t). It is necessary. Nothing is more motivating than your own passions, intrinsic motivation will always move you farther than a carrot on a stick. So you have to do it, we all have to. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Look around and see if you’re just chasing after carrots. Cut fast and deep into the core of it. Are you happy? No? What are you doing to change it? Nothing? Then do the things. Make the Big Moves. Change directions.
It sucks having to realize what you’re doing isn’t really helping you thrive. It sucks having to sit down and figure out what will. It really sucks figuring it out when you just want someone to tell you what to do. Still, you have to do it.
If you wake up feeling like you’re wasting away, if you can’t get a hold of that new task, if you’re forcing yourself into work every morning, you need to question everything. I couldn’t do it on my own, I needed someone else to come into my life to make me pay attention. It made everything so much better. I like waking up and being excited. I like talking about my dreams and feeling like I’m going to throw up I’m so vulnerable. I like hearing that voice in my head that says “do it!” and listening to it. I like feeling alive.
Living life to your own strange, beautiful, frightening, potential is glorious. I’m so grateful to be at it again, and I want everyone to have the same. So I’m asking you, what do you want to accomplish in the next year?